Sunshine Kisses

So here I am again, 4:30 a.m.and awoken by my thoughts. My heart is heavy and tears are flowing just entirely to easy right now. I was told yesterday that Sophie's headstone should be set in place by the weeks end. Strangely enough, as eager as I am to see it, I'm just as hesitant to not. Does that even make sense? I can't help but sit here and think how this WAS NOT suppose to end this way. Last year at this time, I would have bet anything that this story would have been written and ended differently. Our Sophie was suppose to beat this cancer and then live to tell about it. But, I am reminded that it is God's will and not our own. But as much as I tell myself that I must respect His decision, the pain is still there. The longing to push her in her swing at the creek bottom and hear her tiny little voice so sweetly call my name. Now I go to her swing and sit alone, remembering how she could pour pure sunshine over us on even her worst treatment days. I sit there praying and hoping that she will peak around one of the big oak tree's and whisper "Hey Shanny, come here real fast so I can have a hug" and I listen so hard for her giggle. I once even followed a butterfly in hopes it would lead me to something or someone special. But, I know that it is all wishful dreaming on my part. However, as heavy as my heart is, I feel so blessed. Blessed to have been a big part of her journey. Blessed to have been kissed and loved by 100% SOPHIE SUNSHINE! I sometimes ask God, Why, Why me? What did I do to deserve to be her caregiver and her Godmother? I may never know my answer in this lifetime but I will forever be thankful for the opportunity that He gave me. I can promise you that I could now live under a bridge in a cardboard box and die feeling more blessed than those who appear to have it all. My soul has been touched by God's grace and I was lucky enough to have felt it. I wonder how many people live out their lives being touched by God and never even knowing it. The feeling of His gentleness is one of no description. I have learned that in order to feel it though, you must travel some really broken and often scary roads. It takes strength that you didn't even know you had, and it takes incredible courage. Sophie Dale Sparks was feeling His touch the entire time, and I am just now beginning too. The grace of God is pure love and boy does it leave you wanting even more. God's love is that of sunshine. He wraps you in it's warmth on the coldest and rainiest of days, and leaves you feeling peaceful and comforted. The tears I cry right now I know are only for me and those of us left here missing her. Deep within I know that Sophie did beat the cancer and now lives in Paradise. I love the fact that she will never endure anymore pain that this world so readily hands out and I smile thinking about that day that we reunite. Oh the over powering feeling of JOY that will be felt. I just know that I will have a dejavu moment when she will jump out from around a big oak tree and leap into my arms giving me one of her great big, tight, MONKEY HUGS!

As I wrap up this writing, the song on my Ipod plays the exact song you are listening to right now on this blog. Coincidence? Hmmmm, I would think not. This song actually sums up my life at this very moment. "I Refuse"! Thank you so much for allowing me release my tears on your shoulder, I am feeling 1000% better already!!

Many Blessings,
Shannon